I feel like a Ping Pong ball. Monday I start the program again after the miscommunications were straightened out, but I'm left wondering if it was just because the insurance money was involved. I'm tired from the week, so will keep this short, but here I go again. I just hope it goes better, or three times is the charm, I'm out for good on my own volition.

It’s over. My intake process for intensive outpatient therapy failed me again, since today when I explained my history to their psychiatrist I was basically told that I’m too high of a risk. I think the real fear is that I would skew their statistics and reflect badly on them by not being a simple success story due to my complicated mental health issues. Bottom line, I’m out of Hazelden‘s intensive outpatient. There was a half-hearted recommendation to a dual diagnosis program, but I sensed that he really just wanted me out of his office and life, never to return. I extracted a promise for a recommendation if necessary, gave the group counselor who’s been there the past 9 days with me the short version and left.

Am I upset? Yes. Basically I was told I’m too unstable from a lifetime of mental illness to be in any type of regular program despite that mental component being better controlled then it has been in a long, long time. Am I angry? Most definitely. Partly at myself for not maintaining 100% sobriety, but mostly because this is twice now where I’ve been failed by the intake procedure. I went in with honesty and good intent and have had it thrown in my face. I also know damn well that all the group members will hear is that I will not be returning. They’ll never know that I was basically kicked out to minimize the program‘s limitations.

For now, despite the negative emotions swirling around this whole experience, I have pride in sticking around as long as I did. I was a normal, sober self during the general workshop, and opened up in group (which was the appropriate forum) where everyone only knew the depths of my troubles when I told them straight up. This is how I’m working on my life right now, even when I’m still suffering mentally, emotionally, and physically on a daily basis, yet still have emerged from this dark year stronger in many ways. Setbacks happen, but this was a particularly large one.

I’ll get over it, and this decision echoed what I had been thinking about needing a dual diagnosis group that relates to the multi-symptom problems I have. On Tuesday I’ll meet with my regular psychiatrist and start over again somewhere new soon. As long as I’m within this year and in network I won’t have to pay a new deductible, but I’ll manage as best I can; it’s what I do, especially when things like this keep getting in the way. Another harsh lesson learned, but I think I’ll check what they put on record next time, and hold them accountable for being honest with me from the beginning.

I'm currently in an outpatient therapy program, but there is a fundamental disconnect between what I'm hearing and what I experience. These people are slagging everyone they know who still drinks as boring, self-absorbed drunks, but hello, you were just one of them. Are there people that description applies to? Yes. Do I think it’s everyone they know? Hell no. Did it drive some of them to drink? Maybe. Overall there’s some weird superiority synergy going which I find rather appalling and just increases my disdain for this group, this treatment, and these people in general.

Then there's one girl who monopolizes the group with anger and has lashed out at me specifically and life in general. She’s annoyed because her coworkers spent 3 days this week out drinking for the afternoon. She used to go with them, so after 37 days sober all of a sudden this is unacceptable? Pot, meet kettle. I so badly wanted to say something to that effect, but all I need is for her to jump down my throat again, particularly when the rest of the group agreed, and I haven’t really managed much bonding with anyone. For the past two days I’ve mostly volunteered factual information, and the two others who I did relate decently well to in temperament and philosophy are now gone (one "graduated," one has insurance issues).

Basically I got along better with another group I was in that encompassed crackheads, homeless, heroin addicts, and Xanax addicts. Every one had some serious perspective on how bad things can really get and are grateful for the chance to change. The sense of entitlement or superiority wasn't as prevalent and the motivation to improve themselves, not be resentful of others, was far stronger and created more meaningful conversations and results. Every person knew they were fatally flawed and accepted it as they tried to move on to a healthier existence.

Staying in this current group isn't something I'm sure that I want to do, mostly because I think it will just create repression and tension that I don't need in my life. I have the energy to fight for myself, but not to fight an entire group's attitude when it will only alienate me further from the people I would have to deal with. I'm hugely disappointed since I was expecting something closer to the experience I had in the last group, but we have to deal with the hand we're given. I'll wait and see how things go this week, but if there's no improvement, I think I'm done. I'll take whatever positives I did get, and leave to try and make it on my own yet again. I really do hope it will improve, but there are no guarantees and so far little encouragement. I owe myself at least one last shot to find the support I'm looking for, though.

Occasionally I'll take one of those stupid Facebook quizzes that automatically calculates the answer through your profile. This one was for what fantasy character you are, which for me resulted in Ginny Weasley and Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. It seemed odd until I read the rationale: a warrior spirit that is strong through repeated tests since they've failed and picked themselves up time and again to be stronger. I think I could live with that characterization.

Ok, it's still a ridiculous way to classify yourself, but something in that did ring true. I haven't had a hard life, but the setbacks I have had were severe enough that it required some serious fortitude to get through, and I have endured and learned from it to a degree. There's the sense now that maybe things can be worked on and that it's not the end of the world, just an adjustment to a slightly new one, wiser and older, carrying emotional and physical scars without being constantly in pain from them.

Ten years ago, even five years ago I never would have thought that. Each crisis consumed me for years after the fact and led to some seriously detrimental behavior since there was a gnawing pain that simply wouldn't go away even when I was doing what I should. I repressed more and more until finally the subsequent crises caused by the first, the second, and the third original issues made me realize that by holding it in I was still hurting myself. I started therapy around the time I realized that link to try and not repeat the cycle again.

It would be a nice, shiny, happy ending to say that solved everything, but life is hardly a fantasy story. As time has passed, I've learned not to prescribe old, failed remedies to the situation and try new ones. I dug my hole, but only I can dig a slope out of that hole; since I've finally realized that, it's relatively applicable to the quiz result. I'm someone who has made many mistakes, and need to reframe how I think about life and consequences. I'm learning to want to live without prior patterns and deceptions. I know there will be some major bumps along the way, but I think I'm heading in the right direction, down the post-Hogwarts battle or the Yellow Brick Road life.

I have a chip in a front tooth that’s visible when I smile. My dentist offers time and time again to fix it since “it would only take a minute.” I always say no. If someone looks at me and is repulsed by that, then I don’t want to know that person since they’re looking for perfection. I’m not perfect and have never claimed to be.

For most of my life that was the standard I was held to; it wasn’t enough to have good grades and stay on the straight and narrow, but I had to excel in everything I possibly could. Like so many other families, that pressure backfired spectacularly for us. I’m paying the price to this day, knowing that our flaws have become visible emotional and physical cracks

For me it’s more than a chip in a tooth, it’s an acceptance that I can’t be the perfect one, or the one finding pleasure in those expectations and excelling in (in my mind useless) competitions. It’s paying in neuroses and physical illnesses that manifest over time. I was hurt by this pressure, but now at least I'm trying to embrace and work these imperfections into my life so that I'm comfortable with them.

My parents are trying to play catch-up to adjust to the new reality, and I know that they never meant to cause these consequences, but once you’ve gone a certain distance there’s no going back. And we’re all realizing that it’s not that bad of a thing to reframe and retool when we’re older to have a new family dynamic, flaws and all. I’m hopeful that we’re dealing with a better late than never philosophy, and I'm learning to live with gradual improvement from a far from ideal point. But I'm still not getting my tooth fixed :).