Some people quit substances and feel better within a few weeks. Apparently I'm not one of them. I'm plagued with chronic fatigue and pain from arthritis and, despite the better liver tests, probably some lingering fallout from the general abuse I've given my organs over the past few years. I have an appointment with a rheumatologist on Tuesday and hope that will shed some light on what to do about the arthritis since it's been progressing since I was 22. I'm resting, taking vitamins, and doing the best I can to fulfill all of my obligations between my job and IOP. AA meetings take the back seat a few times per week.

Then again, an oddly positive side effect of this general lethargy permeating my days is that I don't have any intense urges to go back to drinking. Whenever I'm not sleeping, at work, or doing any of the required post-rehab activities, I'm lucky that I'm content amusing myself with sewing, puzzles, Netflix, reading, and the computer. I even went out with a friend Friday night for the first time since I've gotten back (thank you!), and feel that I'm filling my days quite well.

We discussed boredom at the IOP and that it's actually an indication of times when you want to escape from dealing with uncomfortable feelings, which has some validity. However, if that's the truth, then I don't think I'm suffering from that. I'm still hanging in there, resetting my life to focus on the important things, and living with my newly sober self. Nothing exciting to write about, but for now, I can live with that.

I'm too tired to really post. I went to my two meetings, cooked, burned myself, and know that it's back to the grind tomorrow. Semi-productive day, especially compared to yesterday when I slept most of the time.

I need an energy boost, so I'll settle for replacing Ben & Jerry's with Haagen Dazs (or whatever's on sale).

I understand the purpose of an IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program). The more structured your day is, the less likely you are to pick up or fall into other addictions. However, in my spoiled little world I find it a bit much. Up at 5:45, work 7:45 until 4:45-5, then directly to the IOP until 8:30 and finally home and settled in pajamas by 9-9:30pm. Just enough time to relax for an hour or so, then off to bed to do it again.

The first one back in October felt onerous. I was miserable at my job and at the IOP. I have very rarely quit things in my life but that was a toxic situation that I chose to leave for my own sanity, and it didn't alleviate the root problem of my drinking. Maybe it was the bad experiences with the program, maybe it was the lack of relatability to others in my groups, but most definitely it was the inability to fit together more than a week of sobriety.

This time I feel differently. After rehab I entered this IOP with 34 sober days already accomplished. I'm motivated and although exhausted by the rigorous schedule, I enjoy my groups and the people that I'm there with. I have a newfound appreciation and attitude towards my job, and a desire not to destroy my body anymore. So even though I'm resettling into my regular life with extra time commitments, I'm determined to do this.

This is not to say I'm perfect; I'm still constantly craving carbs and have a few piles of papers to go through, but I'm back on track, bills paid, job intact, money coming in, and overall haven't lost much compared to so many other addicts. Rehab gives you perspective with that as well, no arrests or legal issues, no living in halfway houses or being homeless, and no prostitution or loss of family members' support.

I have a lot to live for and I honestly feel that way for the first time in a long time. Exhaustion from an IOP (a luxury as well) is a miniscule price to pay to give me the best chance possible to stay clean.

I actually went to two meetings today, not because I had to, but because I've made a commitment to myself to at least try out various ones since they can be wildly different in size, topic, and general atmosphere. I think I'd go back to both, actually, since they were smaller and I felt that it was a better representation of the average person, not a room full of well-heeled UESiders that sip a glass or two of wine more than they should.

Conversely, it's not the Atlantic group overload of zealots trying to ambush you as soon as they realize you're new, almost like they're trying to convert you to the Big Book as the only path forward. Even compared to the Connecticut meetings, I feel more at home here, maybe because of the NYC connections and jokes about life here that resonate so much more.

I even raised my hand to speak, something that took me two weeks of AA meetings to do even in the closed rehab meetings, and said something decently intelligent as well as pertinent to the topic. From many experiences, I've noticed that topics given by the speaker tend to be optional since many people just unload what's on their mind, which is often completely irrelevant, but the spirituality issue is one I'm struggling with quite a lot.

I haven't prayed since I was a child, or believed in organized religion, so the Higher Power idea is foreign to me, but I will accept something like nature or the greater universe as a greater force. It's a step, although only a baby one, and I'll need to really define this as I move forward. For now it will work but it's something to develop with my sponsor, if not my temporary one, then a permanent one if I find someone I'm comfortable with. This is still such unknown territory but I just have to try to improve at my own pace.

For the first time I've showed up at my hepatologist's office and could say that I've been sober for more than a few days, an achievement that both of us are happy for. Tuesday I'll have another blood test, and with a few exceptions such as cholesterol (which I don't really count) I should be in or close to the normal ranges, meaning that my body's finally repairing itself from the decades-long abuse I've subjected it to.

Also helping is the amount of sleep I've been getting since I know this is the last week before I go back to work. I've napped three times this past week, and today slept from 11pm last night to 11am, then back to bed from 2pm-6pm. Some people go to AA meetings to invigorate themselves; I get as much sleep as my body tells me I need.

When I was in rehab we were never allowed to sleep before 10:30pm or past 9am and no naps, even on the weekends. There was lip service about structured lifestyles and accountability, but there were many days I just wanted to crawl back into bed. The oddest attendance pressure was the "optional" Early Bird AA meeting in town at 7:30-8:30am, yet transportation wasn't provided by the facility, just by volunteers from the meeting. I went once to find a room of around 70 people, and between the meeting size (I hate meetings over 25 people max), psychotically early timing, and lack of reliable transportation, that one experience was enough. Some people loved it, but I was not one of them.

What I'm really trying to say is that I'm still adjusting to a fundamental shift in my life. There's a script that works for a lot of people that I'm supposed to be following but I'm not feeling it at all, just making occasional stabs whenever I get the energy to do so. We're told to watch out for HALT - hungry, angry, lonely, tired. Hunger I'm used to, anger I've got mostly under control, lonely I've lived with for a long time and have solo hobbies, but being tired is my most important stumbling block that I'm working on. It's a small step, but I think I'll start there. The rest of AA "wisdom" can follow.

Despite the apprehension, the uncertainty, and ambivalence, I know that I made the right decision. For the first time in ten years I can say that I'm glad I'm sober, which is a monumental achievement in my book.

I returned on Monday, but haven't been sure what to write since I wanted to see how I felt being back in my apartment and back in the life that I stepped out of for a month. I'm happy to say that I feel calm and ready, even after three days here. It's night and day from how I felt before I left, sick, frightened, and ready to do anything to escape my life as it was. Anything except suffer alone through the withdrawal and mental anguish which I knew was waiting for me when I stopped drinking.

Sadly, I was right about that part. The first week and a half at detox and rehab was surreal and incredibly difficult, where my mind was actively fighting me the entire time trying to convince me that I could leave at any time, why was I not going back to my job or still drinking? Was I insane? In a sense, yes, but as time went on and I moved toward relatively longer term sobriety I gained calm, and perspective to see how badly I needed help to get past this. If I was still trying to do it on my own the chance of success would have been nil.

I also acknowledge how grateful and lucky I am that I was able to go to a rehab. Many people can't swing it, either occupationally or financially, but I could take short term disability and the money that was reserved for some day going back to grad school and use it instead for a crash course in sober living. It's hardly a guarantee but will at least give me a head start in saving my life (and that's not hyperbole).

I'm still not a huge fan of AA, but will try to go to meetings a couple of times a week. I'm doing outpatient most days after work and like the place better than the last one I tried pre-rehab, so that should give me enough outside help to continue increasing my day count. I'll try to do the next right thing and find what works for me. But at least I have hope, which I could not have said a little over a month ago. I'll take it for now.