I love the Frick Collection. They currently have a Turner exhibit which I wanted to see so I treated myself to another trip, and as always was pleasantly surprised to feel myself so at home there. Out of every museum I've been to in every city around the globe, it's the one I find myself wanting to return to even as I leave.

Maybe it's because it was formerly a private home with collections that make you feel, even just for a second, the warmth and comfort that the family must have felt living with these restful works. There is a strong focus on pre-1900's paintings and sculpture yet battle scenes and hunting glorifications have no place here. The religious art is kept to a minimum in favor of portraits' beauty and peaceful European landscapes, while thick rugs and ornate yet tasteful furniture adorn each room.

The architecture is understated yet spectacular with wood carved walls, bas relief ceilings, and a central Garden Court (granted this did not exist in the original mansion) that acts as an indoor floral resting place for weary visitors. And of course the stunning Fragonard Room provides an immersion into some of the best Rococo style, surrounding you with blue skies, cherubs, and lushly imagined ideals.

An intimate experience, it allows you to take time at each painting, unclassified by period or artist, but placed in a much more organic method. These reasons are ultimately why I prefer the Frick to all others, and despite being a relatively poor New Yorker, I do thank the good intentions that inspired him to found this museum in perpetuity so that we can appreciate his unique treasures.

Bed Bath & Beyond is the adult version of Candyland. Sunday I had to find a particular household item and I knew walking in there that I was going to see six thousand other things I wanted to add to my apartment. The problem is that I also knew I only NEEDED a small fraction of those, so I would have to be careful.

I started out with just my arms to carry items. Hmm, ok, getting a bit tight, time to get a basket. Done with the top floor, on to the basement. Oh, I need that too but it's kind of heavy, maybe a cart would be better...

Seriously - kid in a candy store time. I showed quite a bit of restraint though, could carry everything back home with me, and did splurge on a cab back home. Best of all, I'm still enjoying playing with my new toys :).

I accomplished this by being smart enough to differentiate between wanting a quick-drying memory foam bath and/or kitchen mat, and needing to replace my broken cheap plastic 15 year old toilet brush with a sturdier model. One of the better purchases was also a scale that measures body fat/water/muscle so that once I get serious about losing weight I'll have better metrics to judge my progress. And it was on sale!

This week has been long and tough, as was the past weekend, but I thoroughly enjoyed shopping and this weekend I'm looking forward to a gorgeous Saturday and some time at the Frick. No more toys for a while but it was totally worth it!

So that motivation thing is still not happening a week later. It's my first weekend staying in the city and not working in two months, but between St. Patty's Day, which I avoided, the rain/snow today and tomorrow, and my sponsor getting sick and cancelling I've been doing absolutely nothing. Good for my mind and body, not as good for losing weight, but I keep telling myself when the weather is nicer I'll start doing something about that.

In the meantime, my goal for now is to quit smoking. I started Chantix about three weeks ago, have noticed a definite reduction in nicotine cravings, and am using my e-cig again. When I was in rehab they weren't allowed, so my regular cigarette consumption skyrocketed to almost a pack a day! I was down to about a pack every two and a half days, but my lungs were still not happy with me, so I decided it was time to really try to quit again.

Another quiet day, but better than a hectic one. I'll just be glad that I have the luxury to take a day off.

Last Saturday working, done! Productivity otherwise not so much. It was what I needed though, sleeping late, discovering Bob's Burgers, and generally procrastinating. I know I'll regret it tomorrow and throughout the week, but for now I'm just enjoying it.

Since I'm no longer spontaneously missing work two to three times a month since I was sick from the night before, maybe I'll take some of those days to do what I should have done years ago. Sounds like a good plan to me.

Another day, another nightmare, although with the added "bonus" of sleeping through my alarm, or subconsciously turning it off. Either way, I woke up late and the least I could have gotten for it was pleasant dreams.

I knew that dreaming would be one of the things that resurfaced, and that it would be a blessing and a curse, but I'm definitely getting tired of the nightmares. Usually they follow about six or seven patterns with new bits mixed in, and unless they're touched off by a memory or experience that day, they occur when I'm most tired and most need quality sleep. I even went to bed as early as possible last night, but it took about an hour to fall asleep so I lost on that end as well. In short, my mind hates me.

As with so many things this year though, I'm reminding myself to have patience as I adjust. Yes it's been 93 days, but both mentally and physically I put myself through the wringer, and therefore have more healing to do than the average person entering sobriety. I'm hardly on the farthest end of the spectrum in either regard and progress has been very slow, but for now the new milestone to look for marked improvement is 6 months. By then the snow will have stopped, I'll be very close to my official date for 10 years as a permanent employee at my job, and hopefully the nightmares will be more manageable.

Most importantly, I don't want to have created any new nightmares and want to have added to the positive dreams. Reason enough to stay sober.

The big 90. It was a very chill day overall since I’m still not really excited over any of this sober process, but I will accept that it is an accomplishment, albeit a small one. I also talked to my psychiatrist about discontinuing the Campral. I stopped the Antabuse around day 70 and was perfectly fine without it, so I’m hoping the same thing will happen again. I presume it will, since as I’ve mentioned, I don’t really have urges or cravings like a normal person.

Over the past few months I’ve had a lot of time to examine my reactions to becoming sober in all its myriad facets, mind, body, emotions, and overall life. I think that for me the equivalent of urges and cravings are wishes. Some part of me hasn’t let go of the times when I could go out and have a good time drinking, not falling or blacking out. Or worse, at the end drinking solely at home so that I didn’t accidentally do anything I would regret and not remember. Remembering those feelings, however, quell the wishing rather effectively. I never want to be there again, and physically I know I can’t.

There’s an old saying that if wishes were horses, everyone would ride. I would have a dozen stables just from the past 90 days if that were the case, but I’m learning to live with it. Hopefully this will be another step toward achieving a “normal” life and I need to acknowledge that while parts of the past were great, wishing won’t bring them back. And I will one day be okay with that.

I've been complaining about how exhausted I am and how nothing has improved over the time I've been sober. Then I looked back on this weekend. I was up by 10am both weekdays, and while I wasn't outrageously energy-filled, I accomplished a lot. One of my goals has been to learn how to cook veggies since my usual diet is carbs, carbs, and more carbs, so I did some experimenting. Although the prep time was ridiculous I have food for the week, couscous with mushrooms, zucchini, green beans, shallots, leeks, onions, garlic, spinach, sundried tomatoes, and parsley. Added protein was chicken with a Dijon vinaigrette, and crumbled gorgonzola cheese.

Inspired by my cooking success, as I was washing dishes I kept cleaning, vacuuming my apartment, even behind my refrigerator, and scrubbing my kitchen and bathroom floors. Window blinds are one of my least favorite things to clean and it was past 10pm, but doing those and weeding through my drawers and closet I'm leaving for another time when I gather up enough energy.

Maybe the most important thing of all was stepping outside of the apartment both days. Shopping for food and flowers at Fairway got me out on Saturday. But Sunday, after writing out my bills it was time for my 12:30 AA meeting, and I was having my first official sit-down afterward with my new sponsor. Not only did I get out of the house but I was interacting with people!

I even raised my hand and spoke at the meeting since the leader who told her story had a friend who had died at cirrhosis at 30. I gave my brief background and emphasized that while it got me sober, anyone who goes back to drinking runs the same risk of this silent and irreversible disease, very rarely found until your first hospital visit from the complications. I think it was an effective message. Learn from my mistakes, don't wait to experience them yourselves. Even the speaker came up at the end to say she really appreciated my share!

Also, let me just say now that I love my new sponsor. She invited me back to her apartment, we ironed out what's expected (I will call her every day, even if I just leave a message, and we will go through the steps, debating them like two intelligent adults as we progress), and shared parts of our stories. I have immense respect for her, she's a nurse who works in a shelter for mentally ill people and substance abusers, so I feel comfortable telling her everything about my history. She's kind but spunky, lives by her own world view outside of AA dogma, has been around NYC a long time, and is very proud of who she has come to be through sobriety.

If I'd had a wish list for a sponsor, I don't think I could have come any closer. She also agrees, however, that nothing lasts forever, and if at any point either of us chooses to end the relationship there's no harm, no hurt feelings. I'm certainly not looking for anyone else now, but it's good to know up front that she realizes and accepts, as I do, that life is unpredictable, and we're both simply doing the best we can for ourselves and to help each other. A yin to my yang so far.

Afterward I was exhausted and wanted to go home and mull this over (which I did, I got home around 4:30 and am just now posting), but as weekends go, I'm very grateful for this one. I need to remind myself of this feeling throughout the week, achieve my 90 days, and add to that new to-do list the blinds, drawers, closets, and for the newest addition, be happy continuing with my sponsor. Thank god for things working in a positive direction that I have seen and rejoiced in for a change.

Sorry for the delay in posting. I have about 5 vestigial posts, but none have inspired me to fully examine each of those ideas in depth. The week was long and had its ups and downs, but the primary decision now is whether to continue in the outpatient program.

On the plus side it would just be group therapy twice a week instead of classes/meetings/group 4 days a week. On the negative side, so far I've found some very fundamental differences in my experience and problems while getting sober that are foreign to the majority of others, and I don't know if the new group would be any better. I suppose I can try it for a couple of weeks and decide from there; as always I have to remind myself I have options and things don't always have to go the "usual" route.

Today is day 86, only 4 more days until the big day, and I'll definitely be taking time the following weekend to really take a very hard look at where I am and what I want. It's absolutely progress, many people have told me how proud they are of me, and until I feel it myself I'll trust their assessment.

Ultimately, February's been hard, but I'm reminding myself it's over and the warm weather is coming. Time to clean up my diet, try to quit smoking again, this time with Chantix, lose at least 5 pounds, and then I'll see what else makes it on that new to-do list for the next 3 months.