My God, I may actually be ok with the living situation. I've negotiated with my landlord for 2 weeks of free extra renting, plus month to month for at least 2 weeks, so I won't be kicked out on Nov. 30th! I also am going tomorrow to check out an apartment on the UES with another young female who sounds like my type of girl :).

I definitely think this will be my last season on pool league, however, since after 11 hours of work, I'm just too tired to really go and be ready to play, especially straight from work. The team takes it too seriously for me not to be at my best, and I think it's time to just focus on my career and straightening out my head and my life. I think I can do it. I even may have found the motivation.

I can't believe that the entire weekend has already elapsed, since I feel like I just got off work yesterday, but at least I know I'll have the Tuesday of this week off, a huge boon for my schedule. I almost forgot that Halloween is just about here since I've been so absorbed with the new job and learning the ropes, while trying to maintain contacts from my old job and reconciling the two pieces of my life. I would love to just have one more day to rest, but I've pushed myself much harder and farther, and know that I'll be fine.

I was sitting with Lawyer A yesterday, and mentioned how strange it is that I'm actually happy on a fairly regular basis now. It's such a novel feeling that things are going well overall, and that I'm much more secure in many ways despite starting a new job and having to look for a new apartment all at the same time. I don't feel that I'm constantly being taken advantage of, and that changes the entire game.

The only area I have to be careful with is (as always) my RNR. He was out of town for most of the week, and when I saw him again on Thursday he did what got me in trouble with him last time. He said that he missed me, acknowledging that he cares about me in some way and does want me around. Last time he said that, in June after I'd been away at a conference for a week, I believed him. I thought that maybe he was finally crossing the line to a normal person, one of the largest misinterpretations that occurred and that set me up for the ultimate disappointment which followed.

My first instinct is to believe him, since I desperately want him to care about me in a way that comes much closer to an actual relationship, where you voluntarily spend time with the other person because they are the first person in your thoughts. However, I'm lucky that now I've been through this once already, I know I have to pull back, put myself first, and remind myself constantly that he means it as much as he can (I think), but that it's fleeting. When push comes to shove, he would cut me out of his life without a second thought or consideration of how much it would hurt me. He misses me when it's convenient, and that's all it is. I just have to keep from getting swept up in what I wish instead of the reality, but I'm far more grounded now in multiple ways. I can do it, and care for my RNR, while setting the limits that I need to follow to preserve my emotions and continue dedicating myself to my job instead of the comfort he brings me.

I guess every once in a while we do learn something, as hard as it may be to reach that point :).

I think I'm slowly realizing that I simply can't afford to live alone in Manhattan in a studio. I was depending on being able to renew my tiny apartment, but without that guarantee, I can't pay another broker's fee for any studio above $1250, and the non-broker fee apartment seem to run aroun $1500 or more, which is simply scary considering that would be over 50% of my take-home pay. It's simply not a one-person economy anymore.

Luckily, at least most areas in my life that have pretty much completely sucked for the past year or more are finally ironing themselves out. I love my new job. I have a somewhat stable set of "friends" although many of them are simply bar friends. I feel like some kind of happiness is finally approaching, or has even arrived in a very strange way. Apparently the changes of job, knowing that those who knew about my old blog who I truly wanted to cut contact with are mostly gone, and the major positive changes that seem to be slowly happening are an amazing ego boost at the time when I need it most - when I'm entering a new field and have to trust myself and my abilities to make the best impression possible.

Miracles apparently can happen :-D.

I keep meaning to have more to post, but considering that I got to work at 9:45, left at 8:15, and just got home after stopping by my regular bar to say to some people on the Tuesday night team who I rarely see anymore, it's been a long day. Working 10 hours will be great when I actually get a day off, but until that occurs (next week), I'll just have to tough it out. I really cannot wait to be done with this meeting approaching on Friday, since I can really just concentrate on my current job then.

In other news, however, I LOVE my new job. I actually (shock!) get training, and people who appreciate that I'm a very quick learner. It's management without micro-management, and what I've been waiting for in many ways. I'm really looking forward to developing my skills well, learning the various databases, and I actually find the research very interesting and challenging, which is just amazing considering where I came from. I'm not expected to know the whole damn company in 6 months, unlike my previous job, and I have a job description that actually matches my abilities as an entry-level librarian. I know it's just the second day, but I could definitely see this being long-term, if they allow me to turn permanent.

Job is good. 10 hour days are long. Especially when I walk into league starving, and two minutes after I arrive, my captain's like "You're playing now." Needless to say I lost, and I'm actually considering quitting league so I can just go out when I want and focus on my job for now. I don't think that would be a bad thing considering my recent record (somewhere around 3 losses to 1 win).

I'm off to bed, but happy about the new job at least :).

Fuckers. Somehow, even though I had a combined income of about $45,000 in 2005, all in legitimate, full-time, on-the-books jobs, I ended up needing to pay almost $1,500 in taxes? Wtf? The President obviously does not consider me in the upper echelon with his tax cuts, since somehow they totally missed me.

Lesson learned? Do not go to my cousin, who is a CPA in South Jersey, when I have to file in NYC as well, since she apparently fucked it up royally. Dammit, I do not need to lose this money when I'm looking at starting Cobra, a new job, and having to look for a new apartment and possibly (probably) pay a broker's fee again. This year I am so going to an accountant in NYC, since presumably they know what the hell they're doing with this.

I seem to have found a purchase wireless, which means it's not 100% secure, but at least I can access the Internet in my apartment now (which will be vital beginning Monday when I start my new job). For $18.99, I bought a month's worth of access, which will bring me through the most likely end of my lease and let me search Craigslist on my day off to find possibilities for a new place, hopefully without a broker's fee.

I can't believe I have to move AGAIN, but I guess that's the NY lifestyle. Don't settle in one place, but keep finding new opportunities, new neighborhoods, and all of the choices that NYC offers.

I'm off to troll Craigslist before a birthday dinner tonight, then it's time to focus myself for my first day of work tomorrow. I could have used a week off, but I've made good use of these four days, and that will have to do until next weekend.

Two days off, and I feel so much better, although I still couldn't resist checking my work e-mail and figuring out if I need to do anything else to close that job.

Tonight it's off to my regular bar with my sister, who may or may not meet my RNR, and who knows from there. I'm here and alive and doing well - just rather busy.

Yesterday, on my next to last day, I discovered that my position will likely never be filled again. I can't say I'm surprised, since this company tends to excel at stabbing themselves in the foot, but I was disappointed to know that even after busting my butt and taking on twice what I should have, it still wasn't enough to justify the position. Bureaucracy knows no bounds.

At this point I'm trying to negotiate to change the position's location and description enough that there would be justification to keep it, but I don't think it will work, simply because the company isn't healthy enough and the leadership isn't wise enough to see that intangible benefits still count as benefits. All of the contacts I've made in the company could help out, but I have to bow to the editor-in-chief and let her handle it her way.

I have to remember that after today I have to disengage, and not worry about the work going undone for my journal after I leave. I have to focus on the new job, the new opportunities, and try not to exhaust myself as quickly. I have motivation finally to really care again - and I have to leave this company to its own self-destructive ways, and watch as they slowly crash and burn. I got out at the right time, even if it wasn't ideal for the journal, and I put my interests first.

There's quite a bit of talk about Saturn's Return in many circles, as those of us between my age (27) and my sister's age (30) go through our quarter-life crises, or whatever you want to call them. It's almost unanimous that we look at each other one day and ask ourselves "What happened? Where am I going?" and it's so unflattering because we know it's so common. There is no one answer, not even 42. We decide on a case-by-case basis what we can give up and what we can keep, how to re-invigorate our lives, and how to finally match the reality of life with the dreams we had while growing up.

I found a post recently that rang true with how we feel at times, lost, going through the motions because we don't know how to do anything else at that time and place. I'm also aware that I'm incredibly lucky to live in a place where the options are almost endless - all you have to do is take that leap over the cliff to change your perspective and try new things - and those new things are only 20 blocks uptown or downtown.

Technically, I suppose I haven't reached my Saturn Return. I'm a bit young chronologically, but over the past four years, I feel that I've paid my dues for my quarter-life crisis and then some. It's always good to know that you're not alone, however, and that we all are going through the same things, albeit at different times and with different specific circumstances, but that the emotions are the same. It's what keeps us reaching for human contact no matter how often we've been hurt, and what makes us realize that sometimes it's all worth the pain and trouble to emerge on the other side knowing that you did the best you could. And that no matter what anyone says, your best is always good enough.

The true countdown has begun. I've been working steadily since 8:30 am trying to wrap up as many loose ends as possible and impress on my temp that she's going to be the one responsible from now on, so ask all you can now. It's almost done.

I'm tired, but running on excited energy for the first time in a long time. I got to meet Iron Maiden Friday night, since they came by after their show in the Meadowlands to my regular bar. I have a bye this week for pool so I can actually stay late at work without running late to league, and tomorrow the Tuesday team with two of my favorite people from the group will be up in my neighborhood so I can stop by to see them.

Things are going very well. Now's the time to remember what it's like, to sustain me during the times things have turned, to know that I can be happy and confident, adventurous without throwing caution completely to the winds, and taking pleasure in the simple things in life.

It's hard for me to believe that Friday has come already. Not that I'm complaining of course - the 15 hours I slept on Wednesday night let me know that my body is just about up against its limit yet again.

My RNR and I are definitely in booty call territory at this point. After the Mets game I received a text saying he wanted to come uptown - the second time in 10 months that he's made the trip to my apartment. And this time his ex wasn't even asleep in his bed (which is the reason why we ended up in my place last time)!

I hate to say that I'm happy about that, but I am in a lot of ways. It means that everything isn't just at his convenience anymore, as evidenced by the fact that he had to make the effort and spend the money to come uptown, he had to leave early on my schedule so I could make it to work by 8:30, and he also had to do the walk of shame (for a change). Revenge of a sort can be sweet sometimes.

I'm also having much less trouble keeping myself emotionally distanced. I've seen enough of who he is to know that he's just a selfish person, and while I still care about him, I refuse to bust my butt trying to keep him safe when he's more self-destructive than anyone I know. If it was a true emergency I'd be there for him, but I have to put my health first and trust that he's going to be as ok as ever, and let go. I think I finally understand that, so booty call is a perfect place to hold this relationship.

I'm so exhausted I can barely hold my head up. I went to the doctor today and they took blood, I came back to work, ate, napped for an hour, ate, worked for 2 hours, napped for another hour, and now am preparing to leave. Wow, my lack of energy is impressing even me. So I told the managing editor that I won't be in tomorrow. I plan to sleep, then sleep some more, and hey, if I get around to it, sleep. Maybe not exciting, but certainly needed.

Every time I think that I'm fairly caught up in my old job, I remember something major I meant to do, like, you know, start a blog for them. Oops. Good thing I still have a week to complete these things, since I strongly suspect the list of "things to do before I go" will grow exponentially as everyone tries to get the last bit of work out of me before I go. The joys of being the only person here who knows what I do and how the hell to get things done :).

It's been strange working with my temp, and I wonder if I came across as so irresponsible and oblivious to details when I was a student worker. I do think those tendencies were strong in me, and have been mostly bred out of me over the past year and a half, but I also don't think I was quite as bad. For the most part, I showed up where and when I said I would, completed what was assigned without needing too much direction, and showed initiative in creating useful projects. Sometimes I wonder how she manages to be a grad student at a top university despite not necessarily fulfilling the above description, but then I realize why. I've held her hand, checked her work, and was far too lenient on schedule changes and completing half of her assigned hours. I handicapped her.

When I told her I had given my notice I could see the shock on her face. She realized that she's going to have to focus, show up on time, and actually do a decent job without anyone to back her up. In some ways, I rejoiced since she'll learn more that way than 6 months with me could manage. In others, I regretted that I'd failed to be a supervisor who nurtured without wholly supporting the person. That's a lesson that I'll take on to my next job, and hopefully when I reach a supervisory position again, I will have the opportunity to try again with better results.

I may have hyperthyroidism, which would explain the anxiety, depression, weight loss, strange eating habits, exhaustion, and shaking that I've experienced over the past 8 months. On Wednesday I'll go for a blood test to figure out if that's the answer that's eluded me for so long. In the meantime, here's another old post since it's almost 5 and I'm just now getting around to posting :).

Originally posted on August 5, 2006:

I slept for 12 hours last night, for the first time in 3 weeks where I was in a non-hotel bed, non-futon, with no earplugs in, simply listening to the crickets until I fell asleep, and waking up to the birds. These are the lazy days of summer that I miss, being able to get this 12 hours of rest with no conflicts, no responsibilities, and no pressure to do anything more than just what I want to do at the time. I know that's not adulthood, and it's immature and stupid to wish that, but regardless, it is the truth.

Today I jumped into the ocean and felt the strong pull of the undertow, my heart beating as I treaded water and kicked over the waves rolling to the shore, and could barely touch my toes to the sand at the bottom. There's something primal about swimming in the ocean that no pool can ever match, the power and challenge in a solely physical dimension that's lacking from the rest of life. It's not about what you know, or how intelligent you are. It's about you knowing your limitations against the strong current, the tides, and knowing when to pull back and swim to shore even though you want nothing more than to stay suspended in the waves forever.

It's hard to imagine that I'm going back to New York City so soon, and my mind veers away from it instinctively. But I know that if I stayed here, things wouldn't be the same. I wouldn't be fulfilled, I would be trapped in a different way, and the opportunities wouldn't exist that I have in New York. I just wish that this could last a little longer, a few more days, before I went back to feeling as if I was being pulled by the currents of corporate politics and unfulfilling relationships. I'm still just learning my limitations in the political and emotional world, but maybe one day I'll reach the level I have for knowing my physical limitations.

I've been incredibly busy wrapping up loose ends at my job and preparing for the switch, so haven't been devoting the time I should to blogging. Nevertheless, I've made it to Friday, am leaving work very soon, so will leave you with an entry from my old blog, one that's appropriate considering the cooling temperatures.

Originally posted on April 5, 2006:

"Sometimes it snows in April
Sometimes the skies are gray
Sometimes it's all so familar, darlin'
Sometimes it's all so strange to me."
Counting Crows

Snow is falling thick and fast outside, never mind the fact that it's early April and the temperature is hovering somewhere around 35 degrees. As I sat at my desk, facing away from the windows, I noticed a yellow hue creep into the office, and turned to see that strange yellow-gray color in the clouds that usually prefaces winter weather. Sure enough, 15 minutes later, flakes started falling, and a proper snow squall set itself up quickly. This must be the last effort of winter, when the streets are filled with daffodils and apple trees blooming already, and leaf buds forming on tree branches, all now with snowflakes melting on them as soon as they fall.

Unexpected things happen in New York City all the time, but I can imagine all of the office workers, the freelancers, the homeless, every one from every walk of life with access to a window staring out at this strange spring/winter juxtaposition. We all see it, even if no one ever talks about it, just like everything else.

I'm back from the brink again, about a month and a half out from that time. On September 25th I took the first positive step that allowed me to move forward instead of just holding on to where I was, desperately trying to not to fall backwards and accepting that holding myself in place was literally the best I could do at that moment. I went to an AA meeting for the first time.

I've known for a long time that I have an addictive personality, and that alcohol and cigarettes are going to be two of my major struggles throughout life, but I was afraid to give credence to that theory and possibly admit that I couldn't control myself. I was shaking as I rode the elevator to the fourth floor and walked in the door. I quietly took a seat in the circle, and introduced myself when spoken to.

However, once I started listening to the members sharing their stories, parts of it sounded very familiar: "I felt that I could explode at any time and take anyone around me with me." "I knew that I needed to change but couldn't manage to make it happen."

The pervading theme that I heard from almost everyone there that doesn't apply was the complete reliance on alcohol. "I couldn't talk to anyone without drinking." "I didn't eat; I'd order food and push it around on the plate, but it would interfere with my drinking if I ate it."

I left the meeting realizing that my problems lie in other areas, mostly in the mental arena. I use alcohol to help sometimes, even knowing that it will hurt me in the long run, but I've learned so much over the past year about being a responsible adult that I'm hoping this is the last time I'll have to pull myself back from the brink again. I know myself much better; I know those in the city much better, and I think I'm through the worst in many ways.

AA is always an option if I feel I need it again, and the members are wonderful, giving people who know what it's like to feel as I do. For now, though, I think I'm ok on my own.

Oh my God, after all of the stress, chaos, turmoil, mistakes, and problems, I finally landed something great. Ironically enough, without the worst experiences of the past year, I never would have found this, since my social worker is the person who hooked me up with the interview, but I shall soon be working for Large Investment Bank (LIB) as a Business Researcher! I get training, I get a temp-to-perm position, and I get a chance to finally, FINALLY, get my life on track and improve my situation in a normal environment outside of publishing.

I'm busy writing up the necessary pieces that someone else will have to know in order to jump into my job, and it's 7 pages in Word already. Now I will get to have a real job, where I'm rewarded for what I do without having tons of new work completely outside the scope of my job piled on me with no regard for my sanity or health. Thank God it was all worth it.

Originally posted on September 12, 2006

As I was walking home last night around 12:30 (since my captain put me up last in the match and I lost miserably since I was so sore and tired from moving my furniture that I could barely think, let alone move), I glanced up at 88th St. to see the beams of light from Ground Zero, commemorating the 5 year anniversary. A flood of emotion filled me, sadness, anger, loneliness, nostalgia for how things used to be, and a realization that despite everything that's happened to the world, to myself, and to the things we touch and interact with, I'm still here. I'm still walking forward, one step at a time in New York City, pushing through my fatigue, my faults, and my need for more that is never satisfied.

I am thankful for the support I have, for the fact that there are many who care about me, even though they may not be physically here in the city. Forget the ones who I most wanted to care about me; I can't change them or alter their inability to deal with emotions and be honest or care for more than convenience. Remember those who have supported me, worried about me, and wanted to see the best for me, even when I was hellbent on making sure there would be no happy ending in my situation.

Growing up seems to remove much of the capacity for happiness that we had as a child. We see much more, experience things much deeper, and realize what can be lost along the way. However, growing up has also let me increase my empathy for others, to be perceptive and help others out the way I wish I would be helped, and slowly I'm learning who to trust and who to be careful around.

It's back to the beginning, once more. After deleting three and a half years of one blog, and eight months of a second, private one, I'm starting off slowly. A new name, new address, and more caution on who knows about this, who will find insight into what I'm really like and who I really am. Caution on who will read the thoughts that flit through my mind and are poured on the page, but are rarely voiced. This weekend, as I was listening to Tom Petty's new CD, Highway Companion, these lyrics resonated with me and I knew that it was the perfect start for a new blog. One of my favorite quotes has always been:

We shall not cease from exploration

And the end of all our exploring

Will be to arrive where we started

And know the place for the first time. - T.S. Eliot

and the two pieces together sum up the hope that I still have that things can turn around, that I can have a fulfilling and successful life, and that I have the potential to start over. That I can learn from the past and move forward in a positive direction, older and wiser.

I will probably re-post some of my favorite entries from my old blogs, since deleting them was not a spur-of-the-moment decision and I backed up the content before deleting it from the server. But mostly, I want to make this more positive, and want it to reflect that my life is similarly optimistic. Fall is a good time for a fresh start, and a new outlook.