Today I got that thing I mentioned yesterday, that little improvement despite physically feeling terrible because I was pretty sure that my infection hadn't cleared up.  Today there was no doubt, but luckily I already had a follow-up planned with my doctor for something else, so now I can get both problems addressed.

I think part of what made me realize I may have turned the corner was dealing with that awful vendor. For months, passive doesn't adequately express how I got through the day; it was more like sleepwalking (but unfortunately without the sleep).  Maybe it was having the loving support all weekend of a wonderful friend.  Maybe it was finally hashing everything out with my Mom and letting her know that not only do I not want to deal with my father or sister for the foreseeable future, but that I was angry at her for not supporting me because she naturally tries to avoid conflict.

Whatever it was, I finally felt able to be the person I remember myself as in the past.  I didn't give in at all to his pressure sales, I was confident about what I could and should say to tease a price without showing any of my cards.  I forced him to wrap up when it was obvious this would go nowhere and he couldn't give me the hard sell.

Did I make it to that concert?  No.  Did I make it to pool?  No.  But tomorrow I'll move forward on trying to make myself healthier in every way, although I'm not ready for major changes in my lifestyle.  At least now I can see something positive turning on in myself again and while I know it won't be a smooth ride, I think I'm going in the right direction for the first time in about eight months.  It's about goddamn time.

I'm supposed to go to a concert tomorrow night.  I'm supposed to play pool tomorrow night.  I'm supposed to work tomorrow and deal with a highly obnoxious vendor who I really don't have the energy or patience to deal with right now.

I try to schedule obligations so that I have to get out of the apartment and do things that hopefully get me distracted.  Sometimes I succeed. More times I fail. I try to make excuses but how do you deal with a normal life and job when you're working on empty.  Just showing up involves major effort, but where do I draw the line on making excuses time and again?

Mostly I'm trying to draw the line at family obligations.  Or family anything, considering recent history.  Or anything outside of the basic day-to-day routine that I can sleepwalk through. The last time I felt this bad was 2012, but I'm trying to avoid that again any way I can.  I can last through a month, even a few months, but this has been building since December of last year, so now I'm coming up on the 8th month of feeling this way at various levels.  That might be a new record, but not in a good way.

There are good days, but the bad days are far outnumbering them on a regular basis. I have to remind myself this will get better, but for now I'm just trying to hold on until that moment when you feel a shift, gradually, but one that means this has passed and you can make commitments not because you have to, but because you want to again.  Kind of like a rebirth of your volition and energy.  There are metaphors aplenty describing this process, but I think unless you've experienced it most people have no idea what it takes to pull through.

You're asked if you're ok since it shows in your face, your voice, and mannerisms, but you can't honestly answer without repercussions, whereas someone who has a physically recurrent disease like fibromyalgia or rheumatoid arthritis can just admit they're having a bad day (not to minimize those illness, I know they are terrible to deal with).  And even those with physical illnesses are looked down on as unreliable simply because something is flawed in your body and even worse, your genetic code which you never had control over.

I try not to repeat myself, but the sheer exhaustion from dealing with this, the anger at myself for not being able to fix this, along with the anger at those who make the days even harder just drains you in every possible way.  That's why I withdraw on the weekends, while still knowing how much I'm missing out on by doing so. It's my time to just curl into a ball and try to prepare for the next week when I throw on my mask and move my puppet body where it has to go. If I can do that, I've succeeded.

I've never really reconciled if it's a positive or negative thing to reflect on the past.  In psychotherapy, sometimes although it's still your perspective, at least there can be someone who knows you but isn't personally involved. In daily life it can become an obsession, particularly for those who masochistically love to mentally beat up on themselves about mistakes and unfortunate occurrences from their life. There's definitely something to be gained by a third perspective, but when only one of the two conflicting personalities is present, is that a true reflection on whether it really was a fair judgement?

That's the question that my family raised when I called them out on Father's Day and struck out at my father and my sister (of course the fact that my father verbally hit out at my mother gives some credence to how I see things since he did it right there, AGAIN in front of at least all involved parties, if not a third neutral one).

Our family has gone for therapy together in the past, most notably when I was ten and we attended some incredibly rich house where obviously she must have charged an outrageous sum.  Mostly it was focused on my mother and father's dysfunctional relationship, my sister's puberty acting out, and I sat and listened for weeks.  Until I started crying in the session since I not only had to listen to all of my parents' and sister's issues, I realized I was basically an afterthought.  Hell, my parents didn't even realize they hadn't put me in their will until about 4 years ago. 

I'm trying not to think about these things since I know it's not a good place to go.  Yet almost every time I go home they want to go back to family therapy, convinced that I just haven't had, you know, an hour with a stranger to air all of our grievances which will fix all of our problems!  Lately it's been a popular topic with our new styles of dysfunctions. Denial is nothing new to me, there were years when I and my family practiced it actively, but I try not do so anymore, at least with myself. I doubt family therapy is the solution to our exponentially growing issues.

I'm tired of conflict.  I'm tired of having to defend why bringing all of this up would REALLY not help without some very serious long-term therapy. Even then, with my parents who have seen at least four marriage counselors and still can't get their shit together over 30 years of marriage, how do they think that this could actually change things?

I'm trying not be angry since too often there's no outlet for years of  mental pain except to respond to in some way, which leads back to the family and mental conflicts I'm trying to avoid.  I have to hope that having some distance from my family will have a positive effect on me, if not on our family dynamics and especially not on my parents'  relationship. I guess that's not terrible.

Tomorrow I want to get out in the sun, enjoy the day, and not worry about any of these things or the other issues taking up my mind.  I want to be calm, I want to be at peace, not dealing with any of this before I speak to them again. I want to just focus on the present and for some time just deal without the past.

Today is better, thanks to a good friend.  It still dragged and it was one of my bad days in another way, but at least tomorrow's Friday.  I'm still terribly anxious and upset, but I'm hanging on.  Next week I'm getting the last of my doctors' appointments done so at least I'll be up to date for the first time in 2 years, even if I'm not healthy. 

My progress isn't as much as I'd like, but hey, I'll take anything positive at this point.

Today is worse. I know the time it can take to be better.  I know how little time it can take to fall in the other direction.  I know to hold on, where if I don't make it to work I'm still here and can make it hopefully tomorrow or the day after.  I'm so tired of the fight, but I'm actually willing to do it, mostly because 2 wonderful people believe in me.  I have to hold to that.

It's amazing to see the ads on NY1 advocating for increasing rent for those lucky people with rent-stabilized apartments.  It's particularly ironic that I suspect many of those protesting probably align with the tea party idiots, complaining about "taxed enough already," yet support administration policies that support organizations like the board that wants to raise their rents.  Conservatives (or neo-cons) are the ones that tend to advocate for raising taxes on the common worker rather than the "job-creators," giving lip service to the problem of income inequality while pushing for policies that will perpetuate the problem.

I know political and other social pendulums have to swing over time to both extremes, but I'm tired of seeing the common person exploited.  Maybe it's worse because I'm one of the youngest at my job where I've never seen the positive side of a truly worker-rewarding, pre-2001 job where you are not just a commodity. I only hear about it from my older co-workers, and when I explain that in my working lifetime I've never had the experience of a properly compensated workplace they take a minute to reflect on how things used to be.

In addition to work issues, rent stabilization is something I had to waive in order to get my apartment.  In between I had a 0% raise in 2012, I got something in 2013 but not enough to keep up with my rent.  Buying anything is completely off the table despite being rather well off for my age.  All of my older colleagues own or have recently bought places with the money saved from the 1990s when the economy was pre-offshoring. The rest of us just subsist.

Apparently I was born into the wrong decade, of course something I have no control over, but for Gen X (which I do count myself part of since I was born pre-1980), we're taking the body hit of the pendulum.  Even those who are promoted from my generation at the banker level are struggling, and I hear the same sounds of disappointment, resignation, and apathy, even at their higher compensation levels.

So when I see ads explaining how increasing rents for those who can probably afford it much more than I can, and how those increases pays for repairs, property taxes, etc, I'm left with the question of how much profit these companies have gotten by waiving the rent stabilization agreement like mine. There are the other stories where property companies withheld repairs or basic maintenance to try and drive out those who are legacy rent stabilized tenants. It happens, although some property companies are better than others, but like so many issues nowadays the hammer falls on those who can afford it the least.  I want a new paradigm, but am powerless to change it.  I think that sums up my generation on a lot of issues.

Today is better.  I talked to my boss about why I didn't get the promotion, and the reasons were what I suspected.  He used it as a springboard to turn someone permanent, and, of course, they don't want me off of the queue for any amount of time since I'm too good at what I do.  I guess that's a positive?

I'm still dragging physically and emotionally, but at least there's only one more day to go.

I've hit that point again.  My strength is sapped, my willpower at its lowest ebb.  I'm just going through the motions, trying not to grind to a complete halt.  After all that's happened and then having my family making things even worse, while being disappointed at work at the same time, I think I've just used up all of my emotional reserves.

I know this happens.  I know I'll come out the other side and start rebuilding for the next round.  But God, it sucks so much every time.  About 15 years ago I put aside any delusion that this will go away forever and work more toward risk mitigation but there are times when life just overwhelms me and even getting into the shower is a monumental task.  Leaving the apartment requires a massive effort; when interacting with people I feel shaky and like everyone is looking at me and the mess I am. Even though I know I've gotten pretty good at covering it, there's that paranoia, a huge sign that I'm in that place again.

I'll make it, it's not the worst I've been. But it's time to just do what I have to, be a good little puppet and maintain the facade while dragging myself through every day numb, or worse, paranoid, anxious, and upset. I can only hope it will last for a short time and not be one of the lengthy recoveries.  Yet the fact  that I can hope is a good sign.

I should know better. All four of us for more than two days is toxic to me.

I came within a hair of slapping my sister, and she of slapping me this weekend.  I lasted until Saturday night when after listening to her Pollyanna bullshit while touting throwing away a job most people would kill for, as well as her "optimism" that every disease can be in permanent remission including Crohn's and diabetes (widely known as chronic diseases that can be managed but will have occasional flare-ups) I lost it. 

After that blowup, then my Dad gets involved about why he feels he can't talk to me about things since I'm usually on the defensive. Not only does he name 4 of the most offensive things he's said to me over the past 6 months that HE APPARENTLY KNEW UPSET ME, he blames me for being hard to approach regarding those topics.  My suggestion? If you notice that you said something I obviously took offense to, maybe you should ask if we should talk about it sooner or later depending on if we're in private or public, or if we should discuss it later once I've cooled down and/or not in public so you don't just leave me feeling that you've insulted me and my character yet again?

By the way, airing this in front of my entire family including my sister, and including verbatim how he compares and belittles my conditions and experiences versus my sister's even caused her to exclaim a few times "He said THAT?"  Yes.  Yes he did. And more than once.

I can fake it.  I can (and have) pretended in front of my family for years about the damage they have done to my psyche, but this time there was so much intertwined between my father's judgements, the current and past situations of the two of us, and his (granted) somewhat unintentional playing the two of us off each other for achievements.

There's my sister's eschewment of her current level of an achievement which most of us will never reach, going instead for (to say the least) a nebulous goal, which is met with support; whereas as I'll I've heard for years is how I should have made different choices and it's not too late despite a relatively high level of success myself which is depressing to hear pounded into your head over and over again.  There's the equation that my sister's health issue, which does require monitoring but isn't a daily battle for every fucking day, month, and year of her life, somehow trumps my currently multiple issues even though he has very little experience in any of them, so I should just look to her for inspiration at how she's an optimist.  She backs this up that everything can just be cured by diet, willpower, and optimism, by the way, which is so very helpful.

Same issues as always, but magnified.  So I made everyone but my father cry; Christmas of 2007 all over again.  He thanked me for airing it afterwards but I know better. Things won't change.

Smiling mask prepping for next encounter.

Happy fucking Father's Day.

There are times when you try and make things better, but just make things worse.  I've had arthritis in my knees since I was 22, and the antibiotic prescribed to me on Sunday caused muscle spasms and weakness on top of that.  On Monday I took a fall on the stairs when my knee failed, leading to some spectacular bruises. Tuesday I worked from home since I didn't trust my muscles, and finally just stopped taking the antibiotic early. 24 hours later I feel SO much better, where it's just regular arthritis, not some sort of twitchy weird weakness and I'm willing to take the chance of not 100% clearing the infection if it means I can get to work, back down the apartment and subway steps without having to act like an old granny and even then worrying I'd fall again.

As I've mentioned before, it seems like life seems to enjoy smacking me in the face as often as possible even though I'm trying to improve, and trying to at least mitigate some of the crap that's happened in the past few months.  Tomorrow I go home for the weekend for Father's Day.  God knows what that will bring even though past experiences this year haven't promised much, but I'm trying not to be too scared of the judgement and misguided advice that seems to follow each encounter. Actually, I'm counting down until the next put-down from my father or sister (totally in good intentions of course; why would I be offended?!) which is practically inevitable.

It's necessary.  I have to at least make the effort to attend family events, but I feel more and more distant every time I'm disappointed.  I guess I'll see if they manage yet again to make me feel terrible when I'm trying so hard to at least feel like I'm treading water, not going under.

There are days I hate life.  This is one of them in about 16 different ways.

Today I made appointments for a few doctor visits over the next two weeks because without counting my dentist I haven't had a basic checkup, visual, primary, or otherwise in probably two years.  It's one of those things growing up that I sort of took for granted.  Every year, even if you forgot, they would call and remind you it was time, and work would let you take the time and you get a co-pay of $10-$20.  While my work is relatively helpful with giving time, it's now vacation time that has to be drained just to get regular checkups, plus the $1,500 deductible plus $1,250 out of pocket on top which has basically made it financially difficult to justify anything non-urgent.

I work for a very large company which makes billions in profits.  Our CEO gets millions per year. Yet three years ago they implemented a fun little thing called a high deductible health plan.  Touting "wellness," they gave us a choice of the $1,500 deductible vs. $2,500 deductible plan which doesn't count the out of pocket mentioned above.  Basically if you get really sick or require multiple non-preventive doctor visits, you owe almost $3,000 or almost $5,000, and that's just the individual plans; I shudder to think what the family plans are.  I have colleagues that have declined physical therapy, other basic medical care as I have, and various fairly necessary medical procedures since what once would have cost $20 now costs $2,000.

The carrots they dangle are called "Wellness Screenings" and "Wellness Assessments" which involve giving your personal data on BMI, smoking, drinking, diet, and a blood test for diabetes and cholesterol to these people who seem to be half insurance monitors and half corporate management. I also know from general chemistry knowledge that if they're taking blood they can test for other "risk factors" that you will be strongly encouraged through a phone-in nurse service on a regular basis to manage or will simply count against you (and this is not an illegal drug issue, that's separate as far  as I know).  For completing these programs they contribute $400 to your MRA (medical reimbursement account) which is pre-tax dollars to contribute to your giant deductible. Yet they push this screening constantly, despite thinking we should trust this from a company that decided a minimum $1,500 deductible was appropriate as the health plan despite giving 2% salary raises if you're lucky over the past 5 years? I find it hard to stomach in many ways partly because it makes me want to retch at the situation.

And yet this is accepted, even encouraged among corporations.  I know things in this country are screwed up, especially healthcare, although the ACA will help in many ways but to face it personally just makes me angry. And what particularly makes me angry is that while giving face value to wellness and health, companies with incredible resources to provide quality healthcare refuse to do so and in fact create even worse plans to justify these HDHPs, while their poorest workers get sicker as they refuse medical and basic maintenance health treatment because of the deductibles and waning earning potential to pay them.

It's the in-between period.  ACA is enacted, HDHPs are developing, and it's the transition between corporate healthcare and single-payer system healthcare but damn it sucks.  In the meantime I'll try to catch up on my doctor visits and get ready to pay around $3,000 this year despite having "health insurance."  Welcome to the new boss, same as the old boss (but worse).

For whatever reason, I've recently seen the Dunning-Kruger Effect in news multiple times.  Curious, I Googled it and found the link to Imposter Syndrome. 

Holy hell does that describe me in many ways.  I've always been head of the class, extremely competent both in traditional academics and even in non-intellectual ways although not without some admitted weaknesses, art and music being the most prominent (creating, not appreciating). So I went into science, which ironically most people consider more difficult than the arts but for me was easier to understand.  There was usually one answer, sometimes multiple ways of getting there, but a much more defined field that didn't rely on abstracts as often.

I think it started in middle school where my level of intelligence drove most of my friends away since my social and emotional intelligence had fallen far behind my intellectual abilities. High school made it worse when I finally found a group of friends that seemed to accept me, but when playing Truth or Dare and I was dared to kiss a boy I admitted I'd never been kissed and didn't want my first kiss to be on a dare.  They were shocked that I was that far behind on a physical relationship basis.  They were surprised that I had a decent voice when I sang.  They were very impressed when we happened to go to a pool hall and I could shoot well (not as well as now, but I was pretty good).  My response was to deflect praise; after all, if it took people 17 years to not even understand me as a whole person with rounded abilities, I didn't want to expose myself further.

This transitioned into undergrad and grad school, which I approached with that same attitude, not realizing that my ability to analyze a situation from all sides and come up with creative approaches to answering questions was actually rather rare.  Many people seem to learn something one way and then continue working under that assumption that this is the only way to research.  My strengths have come from learning to switch perspectives and, as my deceased pool captain once told me, if you're in a tight spot, never take a shot until you've walked around the entire table and observed all of the possible alternatives from every angle.

And yet despite many compliments on my current research, my technique at pool, my relative success particularly for my age group, and all of the things I should be thrilled to be appreciated for, I make excuses.  "It's what anyone would do," "Nothing special about it, I just got lucky," "You would have found it without me," are some of the many phrases I have used on a constant basis to redirect what most people would gladly accept as a true compliment.

What it really boils down to is the fact that for the past 20 years, when I show my true abilities, I feel I don't deserve praise. It sets me apart, puts me in a spotlight where I don't want to be since in some ways I'm terribly embarrassed to be able to do what I do.  In my mind, others' recognition of my abilities, especially when they are humble about it makes me horribly uncomfortable. I have Imposter Syndrome, perhaps for the the innocent reason of trying not to make others feel like they are lacking, but it's somewhat of a revelation that by trying to be unselfish, I'm cheating myself.

Yes, I'm human.  Yes, I screw up sometimes doing the things that normally I excel at.  I need to revamp how I receive compliments though.  Oftentimes I do deserve them, and I need to stop automatically reducing the positive and redirecting the claim.  Habits are hard to break, but I can try.